When the Student is Ready, the Teacher Appears

Rumi do no seek loveIf you read this blog regularly, then you know that I’ve struggled over the last couple of years with living on my own. The loneliness tends to creep in around dinner time and sticks around until I fall asleep or numb it out with one of my three go-to additions (TV, food, booze). I’ve tried to remedy this unpleasant feeling in other, more productive ways – meditation, working and playing hard (basically keeping busy), and working with two wonderful Huichol shamans (more on that soon) – but I remain susceptible to its pangs more often than I care to admit. Nevertheless, I think it’s a basic human necessity to share your life with someone with whom you share a special intimate bond.

However, a recent sojourn into that tricky realm brought to my attention that, more often than not, there is a barrier between me and the rest of you that makes having a healthy relationship difficult, if not impossible. It’s nothing unique. I’m pretty sure there are others who have constructed, knowingly or not, a wall between them and the rest of us too. I picture mine as constructed of red brick, old clay bricks, crumbling to create a substantial pile of red rubble on the ground near its base. Large chunks of mortar are missing and the corners of the walls are uneven and lower than the rest of the wall. It’s old and failing, but it still separates me from you. Sometimes I can’t even see or hear you on the other side.

Your wall might be made of stone, concrete, straw bails, or maybe it’s just a sheet of plastic that you can pull down in one fell swoop, but it’s there, separating us, keeping us from connecting. You say I’m just writing in metaphor, but I say it may as well be real because there is nothing more powerful in keeping you from what you want than FEAR.

Fear keeps me bottled up too often. I don’t write more because I’m paralyzed by fear. I don’t reach out to more people because I’m afraid. And fear keeps me from expressing who I really am, in so many ways, far too often.

The blessing is that whereas I’ve been oblivious to its influence on my behavior for most of my life, I see the fear now, recognize it and my attempts at subverting it. I see now how I’ve hurt myself, lost sleep, and a lot of hair trying to outrun the fear. A lot of my actions – like surfing hard, stressing over my body image, and needing to know all the answers – are just me trying to cover up my intense fear that you’ll discover I’m imperfect and therefore unacceptable and unlovable. I’m so afraid of rejection that I do back flips in an attempt to prove to you that I deserve your love and attention.

The funny thing is that I had to be rejected to see how much my actions are motivated by my keen desire to avoid that very rejection.

I fell for someone recently, and as is typical for me, I fell hard, fully, unabashedly, and, it turns out, foolhardily. At first he seemed to be falling too – we were two people falling into the fuzzy abyss of love with big smiles on our faces, holding hands on the way down. We seemed to read each others minds and synchronicities abounded when we were together. For the first couple of weeks I couldn’t walk down the beach without finding heart-shaped rocks. Not just “a” heart-shaped rock, but rock after rock. One of them, about an inch across and pink, was almost perfect. My interpretation? Our love was divinely orchestrated.

But then he let go of my hand and I kept falling.

I fell for a while before I realized that I was on my own in feeling the way I wanted so badly to feel and to be felt about. I was pretty deep down in that hole when I finally  accepted I was alone down there with a goofy grin on my face, holding on to nothing.

That was hard. It felt a lot like someone kicked me in the stomach with steel-toed boots. I guess it was the impact of hitting the hard reality waiting for me at the bottom of my free-fall into unrequited love that knocked the wind out of me. What really happened was over the course of several weeks the other person’s actions (like his reaction when I gave him that pink heart-shaped rock) and what those actions said about how he felt sank in, and I had to admit to myself, “He’s just not that into you.” Yeah, no one wants to hear that, even if it’s your very own heart gently sitting you down and telling you like it is for your own good.

I cried a lot that evening. I took a walk down the beach as the sun was setting and felt the hurt and the anger bubbling up to the surface despite my attempts to keep them down. It all came out in a big blubbering, tear- and regret-filled emotional waterfall. I was angry with myself for being such a fool, for jumping into the deep end of a relationship once again, for wanting it to be what I’ve waited for so badly that I rushed in without giving things time to cure, without giving either of us time to discern whether this was the path forward or not. As the anger dissipated, it was replaced by sadness as I felt, once again, the hole in my heart where loneliness lives.

“Oh, it’s you again,” I said with resignation. “So, tell me, when are you going to leave for good?”

“As soon as you learn to look for love within.”

“I’m working on it,” I said, looking up at a sky filled with so much beauty I knew my thoughts were heard elsewhere.

This experience taught me something that I’ve been unaware of until now. It turns out I’m scared a lot. I’m running scared shitless of what other people think, afraid of people’s judgment, and especially their rejection. My whole life story is driven by avoiding rejection. I’ve said it before, and someone wiser probably said it long before, fear is a poor motivator. It’s a lot like running from your own shadow. You can never outrun it. And I’ve tired of running.

The good news is that somehow during this experience, I realized that this heart of mine is full of love. As I ran over in my mind what happened and how things had fizzled so fast, I considered my actions in both romantic and other relationships and saw that they are more often than not caring, giving, and kind – all demonstrations of love. Gratitude, appreciation, and empathy are all rooted in love as well and these are emotions I experience daily. This made me realize that the fear that has driven me so often is not so much solid like a wall, but merely a smokescreen hiding the love that has always been right here inside me. To transform it and pass to the other side where we can all connect, I just need to turn that love inwards and recognize that I deserve my own loving embrace as much as anyone else does. So far, I mostly know this intellectually, but little by little I’m beginning to feel it in my soul.

thinklessfeelmore“Think less, feel more” was one of the many wise things my lover-turned-friend-and-teacher said to me during our courtship.

I can feel it right here in my heart, that unconditional love that I keep looking for elsewhere…I’m getting close, so very close.

IMG_0519

One of the miraculous sunsets we’ve been treated to lately.

 

 

Mystic in Mexico Part VII: Cosmic Resonance

peyote_portal_nierika_hikuriThis is the seventh in a multi-part series. To read from the beginning go HERE. If you’ve read the other parts, then you’ll recall that at the end of Part VI, I was sitting on my ATV, meditating on the beach when Death took my hand.

No sooner did I shudder and consider pulling my hand away, than a being of white light took hold of my other hand. I realized then that Death was there as a symbol of the Other World reached via the Sirius-Sun portal and of the darkness that’s necessary for there to be light. Hikuri began to speak again and this time it was about my dog Zee, who’d just passed away.

Zee had to die so that you could have this experience and become a link between this and the other worlds. Zee is from Sirius. She is home again and waiting for you there to guide and protect you on your journeys through the portal. Just as you guided her in her last days when she could not see, she will be your Spirit Guide when you return to Sirius.

Demur Zee

Zee before she lost her sight

I pictured Zee waiting for me and began to cry. It made so much sense. She was such a patient, peaceful dog. She never fought with the others, was the Omega, the most submissive, of the pack, and accepted her blindness with grace. And she was waiting for me? She was always waiting for me. When I would leave the property she would amble up the driveway and lay under one of the palm trees there and wait. Sometimes I was gone for weeks, but she would lay there patiently and wait for my return.

Now I understood that our connection had some purpose beyond the giving and receiving of comfort and companionship. I tried to imagine what it would be like to meet Zee in the Other World, on another plane in the cosmos. It was easy to see she would make a natural guide. It comforted me to know that her death on Earth was not the end of her existence. And I wondered when I would see her again, when I would once again have the opportunity to pass through the portal. I would be prepared next time and accept the invitation.

* * * * *

Upon returning home I was surprised to discover I wasn’t exhausted from staying up all night. I pulled out a big hardbound artists’ sketchbook with a black cover that I’d had for many years, but used only once to draw some architectural ideas in. When I brought the book home originally, I impetuously wrote “Dawn’s Big Book of Big Ideas” on the inside cover.  I smiled now as I opened it and saw with new eyes the title I’d chosen. I began to record my recollections from the beginning of the peyote ceremony, what I’d heard and seen. I filled five 14” x 11” pages before my hand tired. Finally, knowing my memories were saved, I allowed myself to relax, ate a light meal, and lay down to rest.

The next morning I awoke uncharacteristically early, well before sunrise. I gathered my meditation cushion and a blanket, and organized myself on a flat tiled bench that overlooks the sea where I could watch the sun rise. To my astonishment, when the sun rose it again took on the appearance of the Sun-Sirius portal, spinning and pulsating. I concentrated on it and began to hear the voice of Hikuri. This is some of what I heard:

You had the visions and hear us now because you are clear. We can only communicate with you if you remain clear. To remain clear you must eat a diet that is mainly vegetarian and when you eat meat, it must be blessed by the manner in which it is raised, killed, and prepared. To remain clear you must not drink alcohol in excess. You may drink small amounts, but never to excess. Your vessel is too sensitive and drinking weakens your solar plexus chakra.

I’d been doing a cleanse when Crystal invited me to participate in the ceremony and had not been drinking or eating meat as a result. I fasted the day that we gathered, so had not eaten for 24 hours when we ate our first piece of hikuri.  I learned from research weeks later that the Huichol recommend fasting for several days before participating in a ceremony. The voice continued:

The grid you saw when you lay down and covered your eyes is the manner in which we communicate and travel over great distances. Time and space have no meaning in our world. You can use the grid to receive from and send energy to the rest of the Universe. As you sit and meditate, picture yourself connected to the grid. This is one way you can help the rest of the world – by sending positive energy out to them on the grid.

I got a very clear picture in my mind of the energy grid and how I was at one point among billions throughout the Universe and how I could thereby send loving, healing energy to the rest of the planet and connect to the energy and higher wisdom of the Sirian system.

Try to greet the Sun and Sirius every morning – it will cleanse you further and allow us to communicate with you throughout the day. This is how we connect. Any time you need us – look to the Sun, and at night the Moon is your connection to us because she reflects our light energy. The Sun is good – that is why you were drawn to Baja where the sun shines most days. Surfing is good because it exposes you to the Sun and puts you in touch with Mother Ocean. This is very healing.

You may do peyote again, but it must be under very strict conditions. You must always have a guide who is strong and clear. You must be clear, so cleanse in the days leading up and then fast for several days. Always be in nature for the ceremony. Guard against arrogance and always thank Hikuri for the guidance he offers.

At the end of my meditation, I gave thanks for the wisdom shared and asked that I continue to be guided on my journey.

* * * * *

X-Ray image of Sirius B

X-Ray image of Sirius B

Once I’d written everything down that I could remember from the ceremony and afterwards, I turned to the internet to see if there were references to anything Hikuri had shared. I was blown away. There it was. The very same information and more. I began to record what I was learning in the Big Book. I found that as I scribbled additional information would come to me through my pen, in much the same way it had as a voice. I found an image depicting Sirius B emanating pink-colored energy and recollected that the sky was pink during the second part of my portal vision. The symbol for Sirius is a triangle and suddenly triangles were appearing everywhere, in the world and in my life. But then I stumbled onto a website describing something called The Sirius Mystery, and here I learned how Sirius may have influenced humans in the past:

“Inspiration may even come to Humans on Earth from the Sirius system by harmonic resonance articulated by the (still undefined) Anubis Field.”

I suddenly made the connection and understood that the Anubis Field of which they spoke was in fact the energetic grid I’d seen in my vision. The whole thing was something that, prior to this experience, I wouldn’t have believed and may have dismissed as being the stuff of science-fiction.

I took note of numbers that cropped up about Sirius and our Sun, like the fact that their mass ratio is 1.053. Now I intuited that the energy grid or the “Anubis Field” operates on a frequency equivalent to the mass ratios of Sirius and our Sun. The voice of Hikuri interjected once again.

Peyote allows humans who are clear to achieve the harmonic resonance necessary to enter the Anubis Field.

The next leap came quickly. I scribbled in my book, “Peyote has a harmonic resonance of 1.053! The image of peyote is a sun surrounded by triangles, the symbol of Sirius! Though subtle, it is there to see for those open to observing it.”

My mind raced and I began making connections. Next I penned, “Regarding harmonic resonance and love – and the answer came:

Love is much more than a feeling – it is a frequency, a key code vibration necessary to achieve the higher levels of mastery.

Next to this I wrote: –> harmonic frequency? 1.053??

I speculated that love has the same harmonic frequency as the Sun-Sirius portal, peyote, and the energetic grid/Anubis Field.

“We feel love when we are in harmonic resonance with another person. When two people meet who are vibrating at the same frequency, they feel that “zap” that some describe as “love at first sight.” Presumably, there are different love frequencies, with “True Spiritual Love” having a specific frequency that reflects one of the energetic constants governing the cosmos.” Again, I wondered if 1.053 might not be the key constant connecting humans to a higher field of existence.

* * * * *

My experience hearing the wise collective consciousness of Hikuri continued for almost three days. I heard the voice regularly throughout that time, always explaining how the Universe works, sharing a vast store of knowledge. I could always discern when the voice was not my own thoughts. It consistently had an “other” quality to it. Gradually, it began to disappear briefly during the day and always when I went to sleep at night. I don’t recall having any particularly enlightening or visionary dreams during this time, but I believe that is because I was receiving so much information during conscious waking hours.

The portal was visible each morning when I greeted the sun. At the end of the third day though I felt the effects of Hikuri dissipate rather quickly and the lens through which I viewed the world shifted. Nevertheless, I was left with the consciousness expanding effects of learning things I never dreamed possible, a new understanding of how the cosmos works, and of my role in it.

Next – the final chapter of “Mystic in Mexico.”

A Little Bit of Bliss

Image © Issare Rungjang courtesy of Dreamstime.com

Sometimes when I do yoga I am filled with this sense of calm contentment…happiness is what some might call it. Today was one of those days.

It’s flat and the surf has been non-existent or marginal since I returned from Canada on the 13th of May. I’ve been frustrated and irritable, in part, because of the poor conditions, in part because life hasn’t been cooperating, hasn’t been giving me what I want in other ways either. But today, today I meditated for the second time in a week after months of neglecting that practice and then I did my yoga.  By “my yoga,” I mean I did a series of asanas (postures) that were prescribed for me by my teacher and some that I do because I like to do them. They speak to my body in a way that is pleasing and brings a pleasant, healthful feeling to my being. Today the result is that, despite the way I’ve been feeling of late, I’m smiling as I type this (a gentle, non-tooth-revealing smile…one might even say a Mona Lisa-esque smile).

It wasn’t just the meditation or postures that led me to bliss today, it was a whole combination of things. The music that played as I moved into the next series of postures (Rejuvenation by Ron Allen), the uncharacteristically cool breeze wafting through the windows and across my body, the slight scent of pineapple in the air from the fruit left, like an offering, by my dear friend upon departure. It’s the book I’m reading too, that has given me a sense of inner peace and acceptance of things I have little control over. Things like who I fall in love with and how they react to my love. This little book is so full of wisdom and Truth that it blows my mind every time I pick it up. I’m underlining, in pencil, the passages that strike me and that I know to be the kind of wisdom that will set me free. Free from anxiety, free from loneliness, free from the depression that comes from anxiety, loneliness and a sense of having no control over one’s destiny that plagues me from time to time (particularly when the surf is off).

The book to which I am referring is “Love, Freedom, Aloneness: The Koan of Relationships.” It’s a compilation of teachings given by Osho, an eastern mystic to whom westerners flocked in the 1970s. I was introduced to the teachings of Osho by my Dutch artist friend. He too flew to India to hear him speak after a colleague of his underwent a dramatic, positive transformation by the experience. Like so many mystics, Osho is not without his detractors, nor flaws, but more than twenty years after his death he maintains a loyal following and his teachings continue to be published as theme-based collections by a major New York publishing house, St. Martin’s Press.

Of love, Osho said:

Love yourself…This can become the foundation of a radical transformation. Don’t be afraid of loving yourself. Love totally, and you will be surprised: The day you can get rid of all self-condemnation, self-disrespect – the day you can get rid of the idea of original sin, the day you can think of yourself as worthy and loved by existence – will be a day of great blessing. From that day onward you will start seeing people in their true light, and you will have compassion.

Create loving energy around yourself. Love your body, love your mind. Love your whole mechanism, your whole organism. By “love” is meant, accept it as it is.

Love is possible only when mediation has happened. If you don’t know how to be centered in your being, if you don’t know how to rest and relax in your being, if you don’t know how to be utterly alone and blissful, you will never know what love is…[because] Love is a sharing of overflowing joy. [During] meditation one is bathed in one’s own glory, bathed in one’s own light. One is simply joyous because one is alive, because one is… The greatest miracle in the world is that you are, that I am. To be is the greatest miracle – and meditation opens the doors of this great miracle.

When my meditation practice of many years waned a while back, as it often does, my yoga teacher said matter-of-factly, “You must make time to meditate. It is the most important thing. Everything else comes after.” I looked at her in disbelief and she responded, “Yes, more important even than asana practice.” Then, sensing my resistance, she looked at me sideways and said in her don’t-mess-with-me voice, “Just do it! Just sit. How hard is that?”

I’d love to hear from readers about your experiences with meditation. Or perhaps you’ve wanted to begin a practice of your own, but don’t know where to start. Here’s a link to a great little book that helped me get started.